This Journey Continues, With Humbled Gratitude and Honor.

I am now having 2 doctors appointments a week. One ultrasound and one Non- stress test. I didn’t have to have this much testing with my first two. Now, with the knowledge of the MTHFR mutation and knowing that there is a greater chance of something going wrong with the placenta – more testing is necessary. In a way, I am thankful for the testing and timely intervention, should this be needed. The sonographer asked how baby was moving – I am grateful for this very active baby, it is reassuring! She said a mom earlier mentioned she is tired of getting kicked. I will never grow weary of this — perhaps it’s as a result of my journey.

Thus far, baby has passed with flying colors! I am humbled and honored to be a vessel to carry this life that GOD had created.

Monday marks 39 weeks! I’m preparing for labor. Mentally – with prayer, with positive affirmations, with Scripture and by practicing relaxation techniques with my husband. We have also decided to hire a doula.

I do not know when or how my labor will go. I’ve noticed my feeling of wanting to be in control; to have everything go as I would like it to go. I am not in control , and there is no way I can be. My prayer : to trust God’s timing and ways, no matter what.

One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Facing My Fears

After two miscarriages in a row, there was fear in my mind – rearing it’s ugly head – fear of the pain and heartache, again.

Yet, I thought, if I am not willing to try again, I will – FOR SURE – never experience pregnancy/being a vessel to bring another life into this world.

Here I am, celebrating 36 weeks and 4 days of life – of this precious child in my womb. That’s not to say that this road has been easy, quite the opposite.

This week, for the first time, I had an ultrasound in the same room that I found out about my first miscarriage. I will NEVER forget that day — seeing the very clear image of our sweet baby, up on the screen. Moments later, the sonographer, as kind and respectful as she could – informed me that she was not able to find a heartbeat. NO LIFE will replace the two lives we’ve lost. Since those experiences, I have heavily dreaded going back into that room.

As we neared the room, I slowed down; I reminded myself that I will be okay, no matter what. As a baptized child of God – my husband has reminded me that we do not want to live, held captive to fear – as we pray: “…that the evil foe may have NO power over me.”

I made it through that experience! This time with a better outcome, yet still, with some grief in my heart for the children we’ve lost.

What fears are you struggling with? I pray that you can find the support you need and ways to work through them in a healthy way.

HELP.

“I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep your life.

The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever more.” Psalm 121

With whatever it is that you are going through today – cry out to HIM – as am I.

Know that you are not alone.

I Need You, Lord Jesus.

Yesterday I was sitting by the pool, chatting with my sister-in-law. She brought up how, in a recent Bible study it was said that if you are worrying, then you are not trusting God. “I feel like we are hard-wired to worry,” she said. TRUE! We are human and will never reach perfection this side of heaven!

I shared with her how on my journey I’ve spent LOTS of time worrying. The thing about this is that it has brought me to the feet of Jesus, over and over and over again. Leaning on Him, DEPENDING on HIM. I NEED YOU, LORD JESUS! And I think that this is exactly where God wants us, instead of being consumed with our own great works. A perfect example of this is of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14. “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and He who humbles himself will be exalted” verse 14.

While visiting my brother and sister-in-law, I get to interact with foster children. From one year olds to 13 year olds. My heart aches, inside, with them. What would it be like? Not having a your mother and father to love and care for you. Moving from one foster home to the next. I wonder, do their hearts cry out, “I NEED YOU, LORD JESUS.” I pray that they are taught and come to know the Lord Jesus as their Savior. That they know they can always cry out to Him, their perfect Heavenly Father.

Not every child has to move from one foster home to another. In just a month or so, my brother and sister-in-law will be adopting their foster son, of two years! There are 600,000 foster children in our country alone. A lot of them end up in group homes, never getting the care, therapy and individual love a family can give. I hope to be able to be a part of this ministry one day soon! And I hope others will reach out and do the same – even if you cannot open your home, their are other ways to help them. Such as bringing meals, donating clothes and praying for them.

P.S. We had another check up this week and we were able to hear baby’s heartbeat!! 15 weeks and 5 days, THANK YOU JESUS!!!

The Waiting

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God,
   for the living God. Psalm 42:1-2

This is where I find myself – thirsty for God – His unquenchable truths – to carry me through each day. One day at a time, He is all that I need.

I am ever grateful for His infinite love and mercy and grace.

¹⁰ He does not deal with us according to our sins,
    nor repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
¹⁴ For he knows our frame;^[a]
   he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:10-14

Last Thursday was our Doctor’s appointment and first ultrasound. It would be dishonest to say that I wasn’t fearful and thinking the worst. I can relate with the father asking for God’s healing on his child, “I do believe, help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

The ultrasound tech started, I was squeezing my husband’s hand and closing my eyes. The tech said something. In my head, I was thinking ‘ yah, uh huh, let’s just get this over with…’. But then I realized what she said: The baby has a heartbeat and is measuring perfectly! It has taken a while for this to soak in. I am humbled and grateful. I know that this good news is not because I something I have done to earn it. It is my prayer that everyone who desires children or more children and are unable, that one way or another, they will get to be called “mother” – whether it be for the first time, or again.

Meanwhile, my sinful human nature has kicked in again – worry/fear. After all, it is still SO early – 6 1/2 weeks. Again, unless you’ve been through two miscarriages (or even one) with a year of ttc in between each, it may be hard to relate to the emotions I am struggling with. I do not have a guarantee of the future. My next appointment is in one month, which seems so LONG away. I just want to know that everything is still okay. All that I can do is wait. And Pray. And know that God will help me through, no matter what.

I appreciate how Katie Davis talks about waiting in her book, “Daring to Hope”: “Could we rejoice in the waiting? Could we believe that God, who brought Jesus out of the black of the tomb and green shoots out of the hard earth, will bring beauty out of our barren seasons? Could we know that beauty is in this whole process, the growing and the pruning and even in the waiting, not just the part with the beautiful flower?”