I feel blessed to have Jon as my husband. Especially through times like these. His patient endurance with me. His hours of listening to me as we go through this. His willingness to change our diet, together. His perseverance in giving of himself with love, time and time and time again. It is a “togetherness” journey. One that is strengthening our relationship and deepening our love for one another, despite life’s uncertainties and adversities.
One of the things I love most about my husband is him loving me for who I am, despite my many imperfections. Especially in this journey – I have and still do struggle with a lot of guilt – that I should be thankful for the children I do have. What do I do with a heart that aches and long’s for more, the pain is real. With a heart that has 2 children in heaven, whom I’ve never had the privilege of meeting. In particular, I think of those going through primary infertility, and perhaps their judgment of me. With this, I need to remember the pain that they are in and this gives me better understanding and sympathy for their journey and feelings.
This is such a growing journey for me, I am so thankful for my husband’s nonjudgmental, love and support through this journey.
Say what?!?! Blessed to be on this secondary infertility journey?? Yes, for me, it ‘s like beauty in the making. I’m being shaped and chiseled and molded. I am ever changing, for the good. Another cycle of “not pregnant” — just another cycle to grow. There are times ( or should I say often) I feel I am being refined by fire — it does not feel good.
Today I saw someone pregnant (with their fourth) – first thought, “It’s not fair”. I had to stop myself. “No, good for them, that is their journey. Let my journey be my own.” Besides, I keep getting glimpses of fruit in my life that would never have been, had I not been walking this journey. Trust God’s goodness. Who knows what lay ahead for our family. Trust God’s timing. Even if it means no more biological children. I will be okay. My heart breaks and aches for the many children without a family to love and to care for them. My husband and I would love to be able to adopt, someday.
I am still valuable. I had to remind myself of this before we went to celebrate Christmas with my family. Both of my brothers have four children. “My value is not based on how many children I do/do not have. I am a child of God. That is, truly, all I need in this life. I still have value.”
While in this time of waiting, there is so much in my life in need of growth. One big area is my anxiety. I get anxious very easily. I perceive little stress as big stress, almost instantly. My heart starts pounding, anxious thoughts start to run. That’s when I realize my need for God and I run to Him and read His Word and spend time in prayer. I don’t always do this perfectly, but it goes so much better when I do. I’ve been reading through “Switch on Your Brain”, by Dr. Caroline Leaf. It is phenomenal how powerful our thoughts are. Dr. Leaf has been a part of research for years – and it is amazing how, intentionally being in God’s Word and putting God’s truth in your mind vs. fears/worries etc… changes your brain at the physiological level. It can change physical aspects of your body, your overall health and well being! Right alongside this, it is also comforting to continually be in God’s grace, because we are never going to think perfectly this side of heaven.
“This is the day that the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” I can still remember my mom singing this song as she got up and started her day. I’m relishing today. After all, it is the only day I am guaranteed. But what am I going to do with it.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33 What is God’s will for me today. What has He called me to do/to be today. Who am I. What do I have. Sure, it may not be what I want, but it can be good. It all depends on my perspective.
Today is the day that I will live and truly be present in. Today is the day that I will seek God first and embark upon whatever He has called me to.
While secondary infertility has it’s own pain and struggles, I realize primary infertility has a struggle and pain and loneliness even, all it’s own.
My heart goes out to anyone going through primary infertility. My heart aches with you. I’ve encountered more women going through primary infertility, whether in person or via blogging or Facebook. I wish it weren’t so. I find myself praying for each of you, that you may know the joy of pregnancy and giving birth to a precious child. Or even, to love and take as your own, a child in need of a family to love and to care for them. I’ve also been inspired by many of these women, by their faith in God and by their perseverance. Thank You, for the inspiration you’ve been to me. Really for anyone going through any kind of adversity.
Recently, my husband and I had the privilege of being interviewed by the lovely Karenna Wood – host of the Your Fertility Hub Podcast. She focuses on the emotional side of infertility. She also has a website:
Hello Everyone! I wanted to let you know that I have started a Facebook Page called Secondary Infertility. I am hoping that this can be a place where there can be more dialogue and to share resources and support.
The title is not what you may think — no, I am not pregnant. I was going to counseling after each miscarriage for a while to help me process through them in a healing and healthy way. Awhile after my miscarriage, I did share my feeling of discouragement, cycle after cycle, not getting pregnant. She asked me, “What would your life look like if you were not hoping and expecting to get pregnant, each cycle?” In my head, I thought that’s impossible. I also thought, why should I try to work so hard to not desire to be pregnant, anyway? After-all, our bodies were meant to bear children, it is a normal and good desire. The later statement is true. Yet, how freeing it is to let go of trying to control if and when and instead – to trust God. Impossible, for me? Yes. Again, that is what drives me to the feet of Jesus, realizing my need for Him in this journey.
This made me take an honest look at myself. As a therapist, it reminds me of what I will often tell my patient’s when they say something like, “I can’t walk.” I reply with, “You have to start somewhere.” I may never “surrender all”, perfectly, but I can seek the LORD’s help in this. I can focus on what He has given me. If not, I run the risk of being consumed by the trying and the how to get pregnant, that I loose out on all that He has given me in the present moment.
I find it so fascinating — the many ways we can improve our health and fertility through diet and lifestyle changes alone. It is also so wonderful, the knowledge and expertise and medical advances that the Doctors have today, in ways that they did not have years ago. I do not see anything wrong with researching, learning, growing, following your doctors advice and changing our diet/lifestyle accordingly, It is when it becomes all consuming. The key is balance. Where that balance is may be different for everyone. I find myself continually praying about it — for wisdom and discernment. I also talk with my husband about it as a way of holding myself accountable, because he is on the outside of me and is often much better at seeing things from his perspective versus my own.
This is such a rigorous journey. It is never easy. Hang in there. Find the support you need. Trust His purposes and His timing. You never know the beauty and the fruit that may bloom from this journey.