A few days ago I celebrated my birthday. For a while now, I have been struggling with the my age. I’ve decided to change my perspective and to be thankful for all that I have been blessed with, namely, life.
Our family has just moved back to Seminary, in order for my husband to complete his last year of academics. It is interesting being back on campus. One thing is the same: there seems to be pregnant mommy’s and babies everywhere. Before we moved, it was hard for me to be in this environment, because of our 2 recent loses and with trying for so long to conceive in between them. I constantly have to keep changing my perspective. I need to let their journey be their own and be happy for them, and I need to live fully in my own journey – trusting God’s ways and timing, though they are not my own. Additionally, though I see all of these babies and pregnant mommies, I do not know their full story. Maybe they’ve gone through struggles in trying to conceive or have had losses. Maybe they are going through other difficulties in life. Things are not always as they may seem, looking on from the outside.
Well, now I am one of those pregnant mommies. I’m intentional about being as real as I can and I want to be sensitive to others. In every appropriate way, as conversations may lead, I share my story – OurJourney. We’ve had losses and difficulty conceiving. It’s been a rocky road, to say the least. As a result of our journey, my faith has grown tremendously. I was just sharing with my husband, after a social gathering on campus: I want to be real and raw and vulnerable. I want to share the yuck and the difficult and the ugly. I don’t want to be the Happy Facebook Person, in person. I want to be a REAL PERSON. I want others to know that they are notalone.
Additionally, here I am, being real, sharing my journey with you.
This is a common question so many of us ask ourselves. Why do I have this disease? Why did I have to loose a loved one, why now? Why am I the one having to go through this? WHY?
Here lately, I find myself asking this question, but from a different standpoint. Why me, Lord? You’ve already blessed me with 2 living children. Some never get to experience carrying one child. My heart still aches with them. It feels unfair. We don’t understand. We never will, this side of eternity. We live in a fallen and broken world. We have finite and limited perspectives. God is all-knowing, all-wise and trustworthy. Not only that, He promises to be with us – always. “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
Humbled. I was able to see and hear baby’s heart beating at my last appointment. This is not something I got to see my last 2 pregnancies.
Yesterday I was sitting by the pool, chatting with my sister-in-law. She brought up how, in a recent Bible study it was said that if you are worrying, then you are not trusting God. “I feel like we are hard-wired to worry,” she said. TRUE! We are human and will never reach perfection this side of heaven!
I shared with her how on my journey I’ve spent LOTS of time worrying. The thing about this is that it has brought me to the feet of Jesus, over and over and over again. Leaning on Him, DEPENDING on HIM. I NEED YOU, LORD JESUS! And I think that this is exactly where God wants us, instead of being consumed with our own great works. A perfect example of this is of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14. “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and He who humbles himself will be exalted” verse 14.
While visiting my brother and sister-in-law, I get to interact with foster children. From one year olds to 13 year olds. My heart aches, inside, with them. What would it be like? Not having a your mother and father to love and care for you. Moving from one foster home to the next. I wonder, do their hearts cry out, “I NEED YOU, LORD JESUS.” I pray that they are taught and come to know the Lord Jesus as their Savior. That they know they can always cry out to Him, their perfect Heavenly Father.
Not every child has to move from one foster home to another. In just a month or so, my brother and sister-in-law will be adopting their foster son, of two years! There are 600,000 foster children in our country alone. A lot of them end up in group homes, never getting the care, therapy and individual love a family can give. I hope to be able to be a part of this ministry one day soon! And I hope others will reach out and do the same – even if you cannot open your home, their are other ways to help them. Such as bringing meals, donating clothes and praying for them.
P.S. We had another check up this week and we were able to hear baby’s heartbeat!! 15 weeks and 5 days, THANK YOU JESUS!!!
I am humbled and grateful to be carrying a miracle of God in my womb. At just 13 weeks and 2 days, baby has all parts as we do, now baby just needs to grow! Baby was very active today. It’s just amazing to see God’s work in creating a human life. Realizing this blessing is a gift of God, not because I had the perfect faith or was good enough, I am humbled and honored to be a vessel of God’s miraculous work.
I’ve been hesitant to celebrate this life. I suppose it has been to try to protect myself from pain that may come. For fear that we will loose this precious life. I’ve decided I am going to CELEBRATE every day we are given with this precious little one, even inside my womb. 13 weeks and 2 days today. Thank You Jesus!!
I am continuing in prayer for all women who desire to have children or desire more children. My heart aches with all of you.
With moments of worry and fear and other moments of peace and joy and hope. Moment by moment, I cling to the Lord. In His Word and in prayer.
As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Psalm 42:1-2
This is where I find myself – thirsty for God – His unquenchable truths – to carry me through each day. One day at a time, He is all that I need.
I am ever grateful for His infinite love and mercy and grace.
10 He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 13 As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. 14 For he knows our frame;[a] he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:10-14
Last Thursday was our Doctor’s appointment and first ultrasound. It would be dishonest to say that I wasn’t fearful and thinking the worst. I can relate with the father asking for God’s healing on his child, “I do believe, help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24
The ultrasound tech started, I was squeezing my husband’s hand and closing my eyes. The tech said something. In my head, I was thinking ‘ yah, uh huh, let’s just get this over with…’. But then I realized what she said: The baby has a heartbeat and is measuring perfectly! It has taken a while for this to soak in. I am humbled and grateful. I know that this good news is not because I something I have done to earn it. It is my prayer that everyone who desires children or more children and are unable, that one way or another, they will get to be called “mother” – whether it be for the first time, or again.
Meanwhile, my sinful human nature has kicked in again – worry/fear. After all, it is still SO early – 6 1/2 weeks. Again, unless you’ve been through two miscarriages (or even one) with a year of ttc in between each, it may be hard to relate to the emotions I am struggling with. I do not have a guarantee of the future. My next appointment is in one month, which seems so LONG away. I just want to know that everything is still okay. All that I can do is wait. And Pray. And know that God will help me through, no matter what.
I appreciate how Katie Davis talks about waiting in her book, “Daring to Hope”: “Could we rejoice in the waiting? Could we believe that God, who brought Jesus out of the black of the tomb and green shoots out of the hard earth, will bring beauty out of our barren seasons? Could we know that beauty is in this whole process, the growing and the pruning and even in the waiting, not just the part with the beautiful flower?”
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
It feels like the past few months have been a whirlwind. At the end of January – we had another appointment with our OBGYN. Our plan from this appointment was to look at Jon and then to proceed with laproscopic surgery for me, for endometriosis. They found that my husband has varicocele – on both sides. We made an appointment with a urologist who can treat this. We were relieved, in a way — varicocele can affect fertility and can be fixed with a simple outpatient surgery — maybe this was “the weak link”. During our appointment, the urologist said that Jon’s varicocele was minor and wanted to look further into Jon’s tests before he would consider surgery. He also said that varicocele does not have much affect on fertility. So maybe that is Dr. Google vs. a real Dr….
Meanwhile I was in the process of finding the right Doctor, that would do surgery for endometriosis in the most efficient and least invasive way. My OBGYN is 8 hours away, so I was looking for someone closer. During my first appointment for this, my Doctor wanted to do a few more tests before we would “jump right into surgery.”
Meanwhile, it became time to take another pregnancy test. Being that I am on progesterone – if I do not take a pregnancy test (which I do not like to do), I will never start my period. Once I know I’m not pregnant, I can stop the progesterone, a couple of days later, I start. We were away for the weekend so I waited to take it until we got back home, I did not want it to ruin our trip. Before I went back to the bathroom, I said a prayer – that God would be with me and help me through, yet another negative test. There was an extra line this time! It feels like no one can really know what I have been experiencing since that day (almost 2 weeks ago) unless you have walked in my shoes. I should be excited, right?!?!
A roller coaster of emotions. Thoughts swirling in my head. Why do the negative thoughts seem to loom there the most? Why do I only think about my 2 recent losses vs. the 2 healthy pregnancies before that? I am experiencing early pregnancy symptoms — normally I would welcome — because I’m pregnant! Yippee!! It is totally worth going through these symptoms! But I had these symptoms with my previous two pregnancies (I had no sign of miscarriage until the Doctor told me it was going to happen) — and they ended in loss — so just because I have symptoms, doesn’t mean I will get to one day hold this baby. I have an early ultrasound scheduled this week — I try not to think about it — because that is how I found out about our 2 previous losses. The more I think about the appointment, the more I am terrified. Yet, if I am not willing to ever take the risk of getting pregnant and going to that ultrasound room again, I may never experience the joy of having another child to join our family here on earth. The Doctor never told us not to try/to wait until further testing is done… And yet, I fear – is there something wrong that they didn’t find yet? Will it cause another miscarriage? I am taking heparin shots twice a day and I start progesterone injections twice a week, tomorrow. I am doing everything I can to have a healthy pregnancy.
My thoughts make me realize my need for JESUS. I feel like my thoughts are my huge weakness right now, fearing the worst, worry/anxious thoughts. I relate with Paul in 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 when he was talking about the “thorn in his flesh”. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ” It is my prayer that Christ’s power would be made perfect in my weaknesses, for His glory.
Yesterday I realized how much I was trying to CONTROL the situation. I want, so badly, for this child to grow and to be able to join our family here on earth. Yet, I have NO control over this. LET GO. Sounds silly, let go over something I have no control over anyway? Yep, it’s pretty freeing — let go of how this pregnancy will end — knowing that God will help me through NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Will it be easy?? NO!!! Either way will not be easy. Another loss or walking day by day in this pregnancy, still not knowing how it will end.
All that God has called me to do is to live in TODAY. “For each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” (excerpt from Matthew 6:34)
God is all I need. I do not need my circumstances to turn out perfectly. He has given me forgiveness, life and salvation in Him and in this life, that is ALL I NEED! As my husband has reminded me – I am God’s child and the evil foe has NO power over me. As God’s child , fear will not overpower me. I will walk into that ultrasound room on Thursday by faith.
May I keep my mind on Him! “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. ” Isaiah 26:3
With steadfast joy go forth, thou shalt see at the finish, that what before CAUSED PAIN occurred to bring THEE BLESSING. – Johann Sebastian Bach
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28